Riftsong's Xanga

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:08:17 GMT

I wish we had more money. I would like to pay off our debts, school loans, and mortgage and get on with our lives. Having babies is putting a dent in our finances, but I want the babies even more than the money. Things are tight around here some days, but we both have jobs and there's always enough to get by.

When I get to thinking like this I end up thinking about all the families who have lost their jobs to the poor economy and lost their homes to foreclosure. Even all the families I met in other countries whose children are literally starving to death. We can keep up with the mortgage. We have enough food. We even have enough food to be overweight.

It's so easy to get caught up in what I don't have and what I want. I so often forget that I am among the very richest people worldwide just because I have a car and a house. I can take my kid to the doctor whenever she is sick. I get plenty of good healthy food to grow the new baby strong.

The last few weeks I've been waffling between feeling very pathetic and poor and overworked, and feeling incredibly blessed and content. Maybe it's the pregnancy giving me mood swings...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:13:56 GMT

Had my second appointment with the homebirth midwife. It was a kinda boring one. We went over nutrition and self care. It was all stuff I already knew, but I appreciated that she went over it because it was much more information than my hospital midwife had given me and a zillion percent more than I got from the doctor. The next appointment is the one where we talk about the actual delivery. I'm really looking forward to that.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:38:08 GMT

A couple nights ago I picked Willow up from daycare. It was after dark and she noticed the stars. I think this was the first time. She pointed up at the sky and said "pretty". I told her they were pretty stars. She looked at them another minute and thought about it. "Pretty stars", she agreed. Every night since then she has stopped before getting in the car to make sure I see the pretty stars. What a nice reminder.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:56:54 GMT

I'm so tired of all the games. I want to be able to say what needs to be said without telling stories and hiding behind half truths. Trying to be diplomatic and socially acceptable sucks.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 11:54:23 GMT

"Well, anyway, I looked up and saw the very last thing I expected: a huge lion coming slowly towards me. And one queer thing was that there was no moon last night, but there was moonlight where the lion was. So it came nearer and nearer. I was terribly afraid of it. You may think that, being a dragon, I could have knocked any lion out easily enough. But it wasn't that kind of fear. I wasn't afraid of it eating me, I was just afraid of it - if you can understand. Well, it came close up to me and looked straight into my eyes. And I shut my eyes tight. But that wasn't any good because it told me to follow it."

"You mean it spoke?"

"I don't know. Now that you mention it, I don't think it did. But it told me all the same. And I knew I'd have to do what it told me, so I got up and followed it. And it led me a long way into the mountains. And there was always this moonlight over and round the lion wherever we went. So at last we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden - trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it there was a well.

"I knew it was a well because you could see the water bubbling up from the bottom of it: but it was a lot bigger than most wells - like a very big, round bath with marble steps going down into it. The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don't know if he said any words out loud or not.

"I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.

"But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So 1 scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.

"Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.

"Then the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke - "You will have to let me undress you." I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phoney if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them.

"After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me -"

"Dressed you. With his paws?"

"Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes - the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here. Which is what makes me think it must have been a dream."

"No. It wasn't a dream," said Edmund.

"Why not?"

"Well, there are the clothes, for one thing. And you have been - well, un-dragoned, for another."

"What do you think it was, then?" asked Eustace.

"I think you've seen Aslan," said Edmund.

-Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C.S. Lewis

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 01:12:40 GMT

Home Birth

I learned some nifty things this month. For starters, in NY insurance companies are required by law to pay for home birth as long as you use a state licensed midwife. That was a huge deal for me because I don't think there's any way we could pay out of pocket. These midwives are advanced practice nurses, and so can prescribe medications and order tests and sonograms at the hospital, and generally do everything a doctor can do except surgery. They bring a huge bag of supplies to the delivery. There's IV's and all the relevant medications. They bring oxygen and everything to resuscitate a baby that isn't breathing well. They bring a doppler and monitor the baby's heartbeat throughout the labor, just like at the hospital (but no straps). In fact, they have almost everything the hospital does except for the surgeon. Because they are legal they can take you to the hospital if anything starts looking fishy. Home birth is safer than hospital birth if you have an uncomplicated pregnancy. You are statistically less likely to have and infection or hemorrhage at home. A baby born at home is less likely to die of delivery related causes.

For all these reasons we are having our first appointment with a home birth midwife tomorrow.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 01:08:46 GMT

18 weeks. Baby can hear me now. I need to remember that and try not to yell.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 12:56:06 GMT

Thanks for your support through the first part of this pregnancy.We've survived the first 17 weeks. I'm past the worst of the morning sickness now. I'm eating every day and starting to gain a little of the lost weight back. There has also been little flutters and one definate kick. In a few weeks we go in for the big ultrasound where we get to see bean wiggling around and waving at us. Mom, just one more week till Bean can hear us!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:57:27 GMT

I got my wish! This weekend I ate, not once, but twice! Things seem to be improving.

Choices. We make choices every day. Some of them are tiny little minor ones and some are big ones. The little ones, like whether or not to eat another potato chip, still have long term effects. Sure one chip may not matter much, but if you do it enough times you end up overweight.

Then there are the big decisions, do you quit your job and try for a new one? That is obviously a big that has huge potential for consequences, good and bad. We are very careful with these because we can see that they are big and scary.

But there's a third kind. There's choices that look insignificant on the front end, but have huge consequences. Do you chat with the old boyfriend on facebook? You find out he's never married and still carries a flame for you, still a little choice? Too late, now you're in a sticky situation. You tell him you're happily married, and he's cool with just being friends, for now. Do you want to go get a cup of coffee and just catch up? It seems to be how many affairs start. Little choices that don't seem to mean anything.

Some people make smart choices and still get into problems and others make poor choices and do ok. Most of the time though, the smart choices lead to good stuff and the poor choices don't. I have a hard time understanding why some people constantly make poor choices. I'm not even talking about the sneaky ones that look benign at first. They make poor choices that are obviously destructive and they never seem to learn.

There's a learning curve for everything in life. I certainly have had some mis-steps, but I don't understand the constant poor choices. Even the same ones, over and over. It's painful to watch. They can see that their choices were poor ones after the fact. They just seem to be unable to identify poor choices ahead of time. I want to help them make better choices, but I don't know how to go about it.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 02:31:51 GMT

I just want one day where I don't feel sick. It's been 9 weeks since I could eat without feeling like every bite was coming back up. That's two full months. I can't quite remember what normal eating feels like...